into the flame
by treehilluver23
Summary: I have lost myself again—lost myself and I am nowhere to be found...
1. Chapter One

**Title:** into the flame

**Fandom:** Dance Academy

**Character(s)/Ships:** Tara/Ben; Tara/Christian; Kat; Grace; Ollie; Sammy

**Spoilers:** Season Two

**Summary:** _I have lost myself again_—_lost myself and I am nowhere to be found_

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE**

_I have lost myself again _

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, _

_Yeah I think that I might break_

The base of the music pumped loudly throughout the club, the vibrations from the speakers propelling Tara further into losing herself within its melody. For a few hours, she wasn't thinking of pas de deux or Saskia or the fact that her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend were making out somewhere in the corner of the club. At this very moment, all she wanted to do was be _free_—to dance without the pressure of being under Ms. Rein's watchful eye or Abigail's sniveling remarks on her technique. The spiked orange juice she and Grace shared in their room before they left the academy also helped her loosen up a bit.

"Tara!" Grace shouted over the DJ's mix of Super bass and some Brittany Spears song. "I found some hotties at the bar willing to buy us some drinks."

Tara let herself fall from the music's hold to fully grasp what Grace was saying. She's already started to feel a little woozy from the "orange juice" she'd drank earlier, but the prospect of meeting a new guy tempted her decision accept the offer. Tara was sick and tired of hurting over Christian. It had been so many weeks since their breakup and she was tired of the pitiful looks she received daily.

"Let's do it!" Tara shouted back with a smile. Grace's smile widened as she grabbed a hold of Tara's had and pulled her toward the bar.

"Hey, ladies," one of them greeted. His hair was dark blonde and his eyes where the same color as the ocean.

Before Tara could introduce herself, his friend jumped in. "What can we get you ladies to drink?" This guy was shorter than the other with dark brown hair and dark eyes to match. He spent most of the time staring down at Grace's chest.

"Your choice," Grace smiled seductively back at him. Tara took notice to the way Grace popped her chest out further and extended her long legs toward him. "I'm Grace, by the way, and this is my friend Tara."

The blonde smiled as he leaned toward Tara. "What a beautiful name. I'm Jacob and this is Tony," he motioned to the shorter one—who refused to pry his eyes away from Grace's chest.

The bartender set their drinks on the counter—four vodka tonics—and Jacob tossed a few bills on the counter while Tony led the way to their table. It was hidden somewhere in the back of the club—a place where the lights barely touched them. Tara settled in next to Grace, the push couch feeling nice against her heavy body.

Grace was too preoccupied with Tony which left Tara alone. Jacob was still paying for the drinks, but she had no idea what she was going to say to him when he came back. He was cute and all but there was a small part of Tara that felt awkward being with him. It wasn't like he was Ethan or Christian and the two of them shared some kind of past. No, this was a boy she'd never even seen before tonight.

How was she supposed to act? What was she supposed to say? Out the corner of her eye, Tara caught sight of Kat and Christian on the dance floor. Their bodies moved together as their hands moved over one another. There was an all too familiar pang in her chest as she watched them. Suddenly, the two of them where replaced with Jacob's unfamiliar face. There he was ready and unwillingly blocking out the two people in her life she wanted to forget about the most.

Jacob sat the drinks down on the table in front of them and handed one to Tara. She smiled as she accepted the drink. "So," Jacob began.

"So," Tara echoed before taking an awkward sip of her drink. It liquid content tasted bitter against her tongue and she cringed from the taste of it.

Jacob swirled the liquid around in his cup. "Your friend mentioned earlier that you were both dancers. What kind of dance do you do?"

Tara couldn't help but smile. "Ballet. It's my passion."

Jacob grinned. "No wonder why you have such an amazing body."

Tara couldn't help the blush that skated up her cheeks. It was the first time anyone had referenced her body as something good. And she didn't find Christian calling her "training bra" for over a year to count in any way. There was a sparkle in his blue eyes that Tara smiled at. Already, she could feel herself becoming more comfortable with him. It could have been because he was so different from Christian or anyone else she knew from the academy. There was something about Jacob that was so other worldly and fantastic. Sometime during their conversation, Grace and Tony disappeared, but Tara didn't seem to notice. As a matter of fact, halfway through her conversation with Jacob she could feel herself slipping away—like she was floating above the clouds.

"I-I have to…" Tara could hear herself trail off, but she hadn't even recognized her own voice. She tried to get up, to move her body from the couch but her bones felt heavy—like they were frozen to the couches soft cushions.

"Shhhhh," Jacob soothed as he rubbed her hair. His grinning face was the last thing she saw before everything went dark.

* * *

She felt strange. _Wrong_.

It was like the time she went to spend her first weekend away at her grandparents house. She remembered waking up but knowing all too well that something was different. She didn't wake up to the sound of the farm animals or her dad's loud tracker humming its way through the yard. It wasn't her bed she was sleeping in and the floral print wallpaper wasn't hers.

That was how she felt now. This wasn't her bed. She knew that before she'd even opened her eyes. And this wasn't her shared room with Grace at the academy either. The smell in the room was musky and stale. For the first time, Tara pried her eyes open to the morning sun. She winced painfully against the light. Her head was pounding—it felt like her brain was about to explode.

She slowly pushed herself up on her elbows, the well used sheets drug across her body. Tara blinked as she stared at her surroundings. The room was almost smaller than the one she shared with Grace. There was a bookcase near the far end of the wall across from a small dresser with a TV atop it. Clothes were strewn across the floor in various places. She looked down and realized, thankfully, she was the only person in the small bed and that her dress and top where still in place.

Tara swallowed back a sob as she shifted her legs and dangled them, bare, over the side of the bed. Her feel hit the wood floor and moved across something rough. She glanced down, her stomach lurching as she saw her under crumpled underneath her foot.

_Please, no…_

Tara felt her hands began to tremble and knew it was only a matter of time before she broke down. She needed to get her things and get out as fast as she could. She bent down and grabbed her cardigan and underwear from the floor, balling them both up in her fist. She struggled to get her shoes on and after a while she completely gave up and decided just to hold them. Tara slipped from the room and padded across the hardwood barefoot. There was no sign of anyone else in the apartment and there was a small sense of relief that overcame her. Her phone was tucked somewhere in the pocket of her cardigan but she dismissed the idea of calling anyone. She didn't know who to call anyway, and even if she did, the chances of her knowing where she was were pretty slim. There was no way she could call any of her friends…

The sunlight was blinding as and it startled her a bit when she came out on the ground level of the building. Tara stopped to let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding in. She could feel her legs shaking, but she pushed forward, forcing herself to keep moving. She had to get away from this place as fast as she could. She could feel the looks she was getting from the people on the street, but she kept her head down and moved further down the street.

After a few minutes of walking, she stopped a bus stop at the corner. She walked over to the bench and pulled out a few crumpled bills from the pocket of her cardigan. When the bus came, Tara handed over the bills and didn't bother waiting for the change. Thankfully the bus wasn't crowded, and she made her way towards one of the empty seats in the back. As the bus started down the street, Tara hugged her shoes, cardigan, and crumpled undergarments to her chest. She hugged them tight as if she'd somehow fade away if she let them go. She wanted it all to be a bad dream, one that she could wake up from at anytime. However, the pain and disgust in her lower abdomen reaffirmed to her that it was reality. In reality, she had just lost her virginity to a guy she didn't know and never would. Humiliation burned her chest and Tara allowed herself to let one tear slide down the slope of her cheek.


	2. Chapter Two

**CHAPTER TWO**

_No one can hurt you now _

_Come morning light _

_You and I'll be safe and sound_

Tara eased the front door open quietly as she kept the tight grasp on her shoes and cardigan. There wasn't much noise being made throughout the building. She could faintly hear the melody of a love song playing from somewhere down the hall and a few whispered words coming from the small kitchen to her left. Quickly, she ran up the stairs to her room, and once inside she finally let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been keeping in. Grace was still asleep in her bed with the covers spilling off of her and onto the floor beside the discarded dress she'd worn last night. Tara kept her back pressed against the door as she finally let the hold she'd been keeping on her shoes and cardigan go—the items falling slowly to her feet. At that very moment, Tara was grateful to have such a heavy sleeper as a roommate because she couldn't stop herself from holding back the tears.

She wasn't sure exactly how long she spent crying silently on the floor, but after a while Tara finally found the strength to pull herself from the floor. She stashed the underwear and clothes she'd worn last night in the back of her closet in a little bag. She couldn't look at them without feeling the need to vomit. She needed to get rid of everything that reminded her about last night. She would have taken a shower immediately but the risk of running into someone that had been there last night made her stomach twist and turn. So, instead she wrapped herself underneath the comforter of her bed and block out all noise being made by the other students in the building. But Tara soon found out that sleep was the last thing that was going to help her get over the ache in her chest. Every time she closed her eyes, she'd see him. The permanent features of his face were branded on the back of her eyelids, and every time she closed them she would see him, smiling and laughing as her vision began to fade. She could feel his lips, his hands, his everything surrounding her. He was everywhere and she just wanted him to leave her alone.

The sun had set when Tara finally got the courage to leave from underneath her comforter. Grace's bed was still unmade, but empty nonetheless. Slowly, Tara padded barefoot across the room. Her heart jumped at the sound of the familiar voices downstairs. She wasn't stupid enough to think that at some point her friends didn't talk about her absence last night and that morning, but facing them was something she didn't think she would be able to handle. Would they know what had happened to her just by looking at her? Hot embarrassment overcame her, causing her chest to tighten with disgust at herself. Through all the embarrassment and shame, Tara knew she had to talk to Grace. She was the only person that had been the only other person with her and Jacob last night. Tara took a deep breath, slowly letting it go before opening the door.

"…the Benster wins again!" was the first thing Tara heard when she slowly padded down the stairs. Ben and Ollie where in the corner of the living room playing a game of pool, and according to Ben's loud outburst, he'd somehow managed to win the game. Ben was doing a little victory dance, shaking his backside and pool stick in his right hand. He was the first one to notice her when he turned around. His movements stopped.

"Tara," he said, like he somehow couldn't believe that it was her.

To be honest, she hadn't looked at herself in the mirror since the night before, and she had an idea of how terrible she looked. All eyes were on her now as she stood next to the entryway of the common room. Carefully she looked around at everyone in the room. Grace lounged against the arm of the couch with a huge smile on her face, like seeing Tara so…._disheveled_ was the proudest she'd ever been. Abigail was staring at her with the usual distain and annoyance, only there was an underlying emotion that Tara couldn't quite read in her eyes. Sammy looked concerned, his feet moving him slightly forward toward her. Kat was sitting on Christian's lap in the lounge chair near the window. Tara did her best to avoid all kinds of eye contact with them.

"Well, what do you know. It's alive," Ollie was the first one to speak. There was a huge amount to amusement in his voice as he stared her up and down. "It looks like something died in your hair."

"T, are you okay?" Sammy asked, completely ignoring Ollie's comment. "Where have you been?"

She wanted to badly to tell him, to look Sammy in his soft and comforting brown eyes confide in her best friend everything that had happened to her last night. He was her best friend and she knew that he'd be there for her, but the embarrassment that came with telling him was too much for Tara to handle. she wouldn't be able to handle the pity that would reside in his eyes whenever he saw her. she couldn't deal with him knowing how stupid she'd been. So instead, she stayed quiet and focused on the one reason she had even bothered to come down from her room.

"G-Grace, I need to talk to you." Tara could hear the shakiness in her own voice and so could everyone else in the room.

Kat moved to get up from her place on Christian's lap. Tara could almost feel the words forming on her lips, getting ready to repeat the same words as Sammy, but the last thing Tara wanted was to confide in Kat. The thought of sharing the embarrassment of what happened to her with the same girl that betrayed her was not an option. Before Kat could speak, Tara grabbed Grace's wrist and pulled her from the couch. Once they were upstairs, Tara let herself breathe again.

"What's up party girl? You don't look so good," Grace laughed through her smile.

"I-I need to know w-what happened last night," Tara rushed the words from her mouth. She was starting to pace now, her feet moving rapidly against the carpet.

Grace's eyes lit up. "Well, we dance, met some hot guys, and you my dear where gone when I came back to the table. I figured you and hot guy from the club took the party somewhere else."

Tara could feel her legs crumbling beneath her. She felt behind her for the desk chair she knew was around and sat down carefully. "Grace, something _happened_…"

"What do you mean?" There was a small sense of worry that came across Grace's angelic features. She reached out and put her hands on Tara's shoulders. "What happened?"

"I-I…..he….and….." She could barely say the words—the mere thought of saying them aloud caused a sour taste in her mouth. Her breath was coming out in short and slow breaths now. she could feel herself becoming lightheaded and winced as the pain from her chest lurched her forward. Grace was kneeling before her now as she asked repeatedly if she was okay. But all Tara could hear was the rapid beating of her own heart, the hard steady rhythm beating against the inside of her ribcage like a drum. The bile in her stomach rose high—the taste of pennies becoming stronger with each passing breath. After a few more seconds of hyperventilating, Tara couldn't stop the vomit. She ripped open the door and rushed down the stairs pass everyone and headed straight for the toilets. She could faintly hear the footsteps behind her but she ignored them once she was leaned over the bowl of the toilet.

"Someone get her a glass of water," Sammy was saying in the background. "And just give her some space will, you?"

There were a few grumbles of protest before Tara assumed everyone obeyed. Sammy softly thanked Abigail for the water before handing it to Tara. She took the water as a silent "thank you" but refused to look up at him.

"Tara, what's wrong with you? Did something happened last night?" Sammy's voice was so soft and gentle and everything he'd been to her since they'd become best friends.

"She's fine," Grace insisted from the doorway. Tara finally looked up in time to see Grace plow her way through Kat and Ben who stood in front of the door. Grace sat down to her on the floor.

"No she's not!" Kat protested, her blue eyes narrowed in Grace's direction. "T, what's wrong?"

"Like she's going to tell you," Grace laughed. "All you're going to end up doing is taking away whatever is wrong with her and keep it for yourself. Go thrown your concern at someone who actually likes you at the moment, which is no one."

"Screw you, Grace," Kat fired back. "You're the one that did this to her. She wouldn't have gotten drunk the other night if it weren't for you."

"Really?" Grace stood, "because I don't remember inhabiting the role of conniving backstabbing ex-best friend. That one is all you, right, Katrina?"

"Will you two stop!" Sammy shouted. "Everyone just get out and let Tara be."

Once everyone was gone, Sammy focused his eyes on her. "Are you okay?"

Tara nodded as she looked away from his eyes. "I just need to shower."

Sammy nodded, before reluctantly leaving her alone in the bathroom. Carefully, pulled herself up from the floor and moved towards the row of sinks to wash her mouth out. For the first time since the night before, Tara looked at herself in the mirror. The skin around her eyes puffed out underneath the layers of dark eyeliner and mascara. There was a small bruise on underside of her chin, just big enough for someone else to notice if they looked really hard. Her hair was moving, dancing in all different directions. The ruby red lipstick she'd worn the night before was smeared, just a bit of the color moving down toward her bottom lip. Tara stared long and hard at the girl in the mirror, and realized she had no idea who that girl was. She winced from sudden tightening in her chest. She stripped out of her clothes and turned the water in the shower as hot as it could get before jumping in.


	3. Chapter Three

**A/N: **I haven't updated this is a really long time. I don't know what possessed me to right now but I had the feeling to write a chapter so I did. I hope you all like it, and I hope it still has some followers.

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**CHAPTER THREE**

_Don't you dare look out your window darling  
Everything's on fire  
The war outside our door keeps raging on  
Hold onto this lullaby  
Even when the music's gone_

Tara spent the entire night tossing and turning. As much as she tried, sleep just would come to her. Her dreams haunted her with visions and nightmares of the guy from the club. Flashes of the two of them dancing, and then kissing, before he hand gently eased up her skirt. She couldn't take it anymore, so she stopped going to bed all together. At night, while everyone slid into bed, she'd wait until the house fell quiet before sneaking out. Some nights she'd go to the studio and dance the thoughts away. Other nights, she'd walk down the beach with her pointe shoes dangling from between two fingers. Wherever she went, she always kept her pointe shoes. Ballet seemed like the one thing she could control these days. She hadn't told anyone but Grace (although even she didn't know the full story) about what happened to her three nights before. She couldn't. If people found out, then they'd look at her differently. They'd see this pathetic girl that allowed herself to be used by some guy. A guy whose name she couldn't even remember.

"Tara, are you okay?" Sammy asked everyday like a song on repeat. Continuing the lyrics, she'd always tell him in a low voice, "Sammy, I'm fine; promise." He never looked as if he believed her but didn't press for more and Tara couldn't be more thankful. Kat tried to talk to her every now and again, but simply looking at her old best friend brought on a whole new wave of emotions that she'd rather suppress. After a while, Kat stopped trying and once again, Tara couldn't be more thankful. However, Miss Raine wasn't as quite gullible as her peers. The woman noticed Tara's change in attitude. She'd even made it a point of summoning Tara to her office one day to find out.

"You've been rather distracted." Miss Raine observed her with a careful eye. Tara couldn't help but squirm under her gaze.

"I haven't been feeling well," Tara admitted._ Losing your virginity and not remembering it can make you feel really sick, _Tara thought to herself.

"Having you been eating properly?" Miss Raine watched carefully for her reaction. Once she didn't find one, her voice lowered, "You can talk to me or the other instructors if you are feeling pressured. The last thing we want is a repeat of what happened last year with Abigail."

Tara scoffed under her breath. At this point, she wished the only thing wrong with her was a secret eating disorder. That would make a lot more sense the current battle she faced. "Miss Raine, I'm fine; promise. I've just been missing home a little that is all."

"You're sure that is all, Tara?" Miss Raine pressed.

"Yes," the younger girl insisted.

"Because one of your classmates has brought it to my attention that you have been behaving rather rash lately." Miss Raine folded her hands and rested her chin against them.

Her whole body froze. This couldn't be happening. Who'd told Miss Raine she'd being acting "rash," according to her superior. "Who said that?"

Miss Raine shook her head, and placed her hands flat against the desk. "I cannot disclose that information. This person is worried about you. H-They came to me as a concerned friend."

"Well, Miss Raine, you can tell my concerned _friend_ that I am fine," Tara snapped. She grabbed her bag from beside her chair and stormed out of the office. She ignored Miss Raine's desperate cries to for her to come back and talk. The air in that room felt thick and heavy. Tara needed to escape before she suffocated. It's the same feeling she got as the night before when everyone crowed around her, wanting and begging to know what happened. She felt trapped. Tara stumbled her way down the corridor, clutching at her stomach. It twisted and turned. The lack of oxygen also didn't help her current situation. The breakfast she'd forced herself to eat that morning came rising back up. She covered her mouth and ran toward the girls changing room.

Tara hovered over the toilet, willing herself to throw up but nothing came. Excess amount of spit coated her mouth. She spit it out which was followed by a dry heave soon after. Once the dry heaving stopped, too tired to get up, Tara relaxed her body against the side of the stall. She sat there for what felt like hours before someone knocked softly on the stall door.

"I'll be out in a minute." Her voice came out shaky and broken even to her own ears. Tara ran a hand through her hair and sighed.

"Tara?" Kat's voice questioned with concern from the other side of the stall door. "Are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine," Tara snapped although that too came out shaky. She forced herself up from the ground and swung open the stall door. Kat stood on the other side in her leotard and tutu with her golden blonde hair pulled into a messy bun. Even in such a state of disarray Kat managed to look amazing. No wonder why Christian had chosen to be with Kat. She was fun and flirty. Kat never would have made the dumb mistake of losing her V-card to some stranger.

"You don't look okay," Kat pressed. She reached out to touch her old friend, but Tara jumped back like was about to be burned.

"Well, I'm sorry we all can be as beautiful and cool and the great Katrina Karamakov," Tara snapped. She didn't need her old best friend who'd betrayed her trying to show concern or throw it in her face that she looked like crap.

"Tara, I didn't meant it that way," Kat tried to defend. "I'm just worried about you. You've been different ever since that night."

"I don't need you concern, Kat. You lost that right the moment you started dating my ex-boyfriend." Tara pushed passed Kat and to the sink. She ran the water until it was scolding hot before she splashed it on her face. The pain felt good, and for a moment she was able to focus on it instead of her confrontation with Kat or that guy's hands on her body.

"I'm sorry, Tara. I really am," Kat continued to plead. She locked eyes with Tara through the mirror. "I'll do anything to be your friend again. I'll do anything to make you forgive me."

Tara stared back at her old friend through the mirror. A part of her wanted so much to break down and fold her body into Kat's arms for comfort. She wanted her best friend back. She wanted to tell her everything so she didn't feel trapped and disgusted inside of her own body. She knew Kat would know what to do. She knew that Kat would allow her to cry until she couldn't anymore. She'd even cry alongside her. She hated being mad a Kat. All she wanted was for them to go back to the way things used to be. Sighing, Tara turned to face her friend. Her face softened, as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Kat, Christian is outside looking for you," one of the girls in their year, Julia, said as she came into the bathroom. Her words were like a bucket of cold water that splashed Tara out of her haze. It was Kat Christian was waiting for, and the realization of that brought the hate back to her eyes when she looked at the blonde girl in front of her. Kat saw this and quickly tried to capture the moment again. However, Tara pushed passed Julia and out the door.

"Tara, wait you can talk to me," Kat pleaded as she caught up with Tara in the hallway breezing past Christian who followed after the girls.

"No, I can't," Tara cried out, walking faster.

Kat reached out and grabbed her wrist to stop her from moving. "You were about to just now on the bathroom."

"No!" Tara screamed, ripping her arm from Kat's grip. Her brown eyes narrowed dangerously. When she looked at Kat, all Tara saw was an easy way out. If she focused her energy on hating Kat then it could deflect away from the hate she had for herself, even if it was for a second. "You want to know what you can do to make me forgive you? You can go to hell."

Tara watched as the hurt crumpled Kat's face. She'd said it so loud that everyone in the hallway could hear. Most turned around and watched the scene with delight. Others like Sammy, Ben, and Abigail looked disgusted at her actions and choice of words. Tara instantly hated herself even more than before. She didn't want to be this person, but she couldn't stop herself.

"That's enough, Tara," Christian stepped in. He stood beside Kat and wrapped his arm around her waist comfortingly. "Kat has done nothing but try and be there for you and all you can do I be a bitch to her."

"Oh, that's rich," Tara laughed bitterly. "You're calling me out when you're the one that started dating my best friend behind my back."

"We were broken up!" Christian shouted. He shook his head as he looked Tara up and down like she was some pathetic person. "What happened to do? This is why I went to Miss Raine."

"That was you," Tara snapped, pointing a finger at him. "I don't need your concern. You can save it for someone you actually care about."

"We do care, T," Sammy jumped in.

"Stay out of this, Sammy, I don't want to hurt you."

"Why is it always the Tara Show around here?" Ben questioned, although he didn't say it in a venomous way.

"Haven't you heard," Tara cried, opening her arms out as she turned to look at him. "It's one woman show and there is no one in the audience."

"T," Sammy tried before she walked off down the corridor.

She ignored the stares and whispers as she walked past. She didn't need this right now. She hated her herself for acting like such a bitch, but deflecting the hate away from herself seemed like the only option. By the time she got back to the house, her body was tired from all the pain. She went straight to the showers and turned the water up until it became scolding hot. She stripped off all her clothes before hopping in and letting the scolding water seep into her skin. This was pain. This was something she could control and it felt good.


	4. Chapter Four

**A/N: **Thank you so much for the reviews you guys! They really mean the world to me. I hope you like this chapter. Read and Review :)**  
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**CHAPTER FOUR**

Tara stared at the water below. It's bright blue beckoned her like a sirens call. The soft breeze caused the water to swish in a soft rhythm. She somehow found the water comforting like it knew hidden secrets that have yet to be discovered. She wanted to discover those secrets, to get out of her own head for a moment. Tara hadn't slept again at all last night. The moment she closed her eyes she would see him: his oddly white teeth, the smell of his cologne. It all invaded her memory the moment her eyes closed.

She had a moment where she felt as though she deserved this pain. She'd forced Christian into something he didn't want to do. She had a flashback to first year and the look of betrayal on Ethan's face when he found out about her kissing Christian. For a moment, she thinks this is her punishment for hurting two guys that cared about her. She shook her head, forcing those thoughts from her mind. That couldn't be it. She couldn't allow herself to think like that because if she did, Tara honestly thinks she would lose her mind.

She's not sure how long she stood there staring down at the water, wishing she could sink herself into it forever, before the sun started to go down. Tara knew she should get back to the house, knew there was no doubt that someone would nark her to Miss Raine.

"There she is," Grace sing-songed when she walked through the door. Grace and the others were gathered in the living room all dressed up. The blonde ballerina skipped over to her with a smile. "We are going out tonight and having some fun."

Tara got a flash of the last time she'd gone out. The memory of the guys hands sweeping across her skin, touching her in places she never even thought to be touched. The simple thought made her body shake with disgust. "I don't know, Grace."

"Come on, T, you need to get out a let loose," Grace insisted with a smile.

"If Tara doesn't want to go out then she doesn't have to," Sammy interjected.

"Yes, she does," Grace snapped. She turned back to her friend. "You need to get out of your own head for a while, and this is a good way to do it."

The possibility of forgetting her problems for a fleeting second appealed to Tara. She desperately wanted to get of her head. She'd been having nightmares and visions of that night more frequently than in the beginning. It got to a point where she literally was afraid to close her eyes even during the day. The last time she'd gone out, she'd been able to get over Christian although it brought on a whole new patch of problems. But she didn't focus on that. Instead she focused on the fact that this could actually be a way for her to get out of her head for a while. Maybe now she'd finally be able to get some kind of peace.

"I want to go out," Tara spoke up quickly, earning her a few looks from Sammy and Kat, whom she hadn't interacted with since that day in the hallway.

"T, are you sure?" Sammy asked.

Tara nodded, trying to plaster on a smile to make it look convincing. From the other side of the room, she caught Abigail's eye. There was something hidden deep within the chocolate pupils that spoke to Tara. It's like they shared a secret that only the two of them knew about. However, Tara couldn't guess what that secret could be. She forced herself to look away from Abigail's knowing eyes and focused them on Grace instead. She allowed her bubbly blonde friend to drag her up the stairs. She sat on the bed as Grace pulled out clothes from her wardrobe until she found the perfect outfit for Tara.

The outfit included a pair of tiny black shorts over a matching pair of flower-printed stockings. The sparking dark purple shirt contrasted beautifully against her skin. However when Tara looked into the mirror after Grace put the finishing touches on her makeup, she didn't feel beautiful at all. Normally, she would have smiled at her reflection and gained confidence from it even it for a fleeting second. However, when she looked at herself now, she felt disgusted with the girl staring back at her. This girl had allowed herself to be taken advantage of and paid the price for it. She hated this naïve girl for putting her in this current predicament. She hated herself, and there was no getting around it.

* * *

The club was packed with people when the gang arrived. Grace pulled Tara away from everyone else the moment they got through the door. When Sammy asked where they were headed to, Grace called over her shoulder, "bathroom." To Grace that actually meant they were going to the bathroom to take turns drinking from the small bottle of orange juice mixed with vodka. Tara knew deep down she should be drinking. However, once the liquid entered her body, she felt herself starting to relax. Grace pulled her out onto the dance floor and the two of them began to bump and grind against one another. Tara felt amazing. The alcohol flowed through her body like magic.

After Grace found some cute boy to dance with, Tara ended up dancing with Ben. He smelled nice and make cute little jokes in her ear as the dance. Tara normally would have called him a nerd, but there was something about the way he spoke tonight that made her feel special. Maybe it was because he didn't expect anything from her or the fact that he made her feel normal. She when was around Ben she felt like the Tara she used to be before that horrible night happened. She didn't know what had gotten into her, but before she could stop herself, Tara pressed her lips against Ben's. She stood on the tips of her toes in order to reach his mouth, but it was worth it. Flashes of that night played across her closed eyelids, however, the more she kissed Ben, the more the visions started to disappear.

"Come with me," Tara whispered against his mouth. She pulled him towards the stairs into the quiet section. She kissed him more, pressing herself into his body firmly. She could see that night flashing through her mind, threatening to break through her barrier with Ben. But she wouldn't let that happened. For right now, Ben was her refuge and being with him gave her comfort away from those visions even if this was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Tara," Ben said as he broke the kiss. "What are you doing?"

She laughed drunkenly. "What does it look like?" She tried to reattach their lips, but he pushed her away.

"Tara, stop, this isn't you," Ben snapped. "I don't want to do this with you like this."

His rejection was like a bucket of ice cold water. She quickly sobered up as the realization of what she'd done sunk in. Tara immediately felt disgusted with herself. She'd been willing to give herself to Ben, despite the fact that she barely even knew him. She felt sick and disgusted with herself. Tara wrapped her arms around her waist, rocking back and forth as the tears dared to spill over her lids. Ben tried to apologize and reach for her, but she pulled away. She ran down the stairs, tripping on the last one. The feeling of the skin at her knee ripping open felt good, like an instant relief. Tara picked herself up and continued running when she heard Ben yelling after her. She pushed her way through the crowd and out the door.

She ran, pulling as much distance between herself that club as possible. She felt horrible and disgusted with herself, the hate coming back in full force. Tara ran until her legs hurt and even then she kept going until she reached the school. She stopped in front of the water on the walkway, looking down at its dark waves. They beckoned to her, called to her like a force. Tara knew that if she sunk into the water everything would be fine. She'd be able to wash away with the water, floating deep within its waves forever. The simple thought sent a thrill down her spine. This could finally be over if she just subcommand to the water.

"Tara!"

"Tara, don't do it."

She didn't turn around to see who the voices belonged to. She knew without even looking, and knew she needed to get away from them. Without thinking, Tara slipped off the ledge and jumped into the water. The waves crashed against her body violently, pulling and pushing her in all kinds of directions. Water burned her throat as it rushed down her windpipe. She could feel her life slipping with every passing second. Just when it felt like she was about to slip away forever, a hand pulled her from the darkness.

"Help me pull her up," Christian said to Kat. When they'd seen Tara running, they'd followed after her to make sure she was okay. Christian never expected for her to do what she'd just done. Once he and Kat got Tara into the walkway, he performed CPR, thankful for the lifeguard job he'd gotten that summer. Tara coughed and chocked out the water from her lungs.

"You're okay," Christian soothed as he cradled her against his chest delicately. Kat watched the exchange between the two, the soft way Christian held Tara and tried not to be jealous.

"It's all my fault," Tara sobbed softly. "I can't take it back."

"Tara, what are you talking about," Kat questioned.

"I can't take it back," Tara sobbed harder, repeating the words over and over again.


	5. Chapter Five

**A/N: **_Hi, everyone! Thanks you so much for the reviews. They really do mean a lot to me. They inspire me to write more so keep them coming. This chapter is a little shorter than the others and it mostly focuses on Christian's point of view on things._**  
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**Chapter Five**

Christian Reed has lost a lot of people in his life. First, there is his father who decided that being elsewhere is a lot more important than his own family. The loss of his mother comes next, the one he can easily deem hurts the most. The last one is his brother. He hasn't seen him in almost two years which sucks because he never thought his brother would be the one person to abandon him. He always pictured it as being him and his brother against the world. Christian can't stomach the thought of losing someone else, especially if that person were Tara Webster.

When he'd watched her leap into the raging waves below her, it was like a knife had pierced into his chest, twisting and pulling it in deeper. It's then the realization of just how much Tara meant to him hit. He'd seen the change in her along with everyone else, and did nothing to help her. He'd sat by worrying strictly about Kat's feelings and no one else's. Knowing he'd abandoned Tara when she obviously needed someone made him sick to his stomach. Christian watched Tara as she slept from his spot in the corner of the room. Kat called the hospital after Tara blacked out again after repeating, "I can't take it back," over and over again. Christian wanted to know more than anything what those words meant. If he knew what those words meant then maybe he could have a chance in figuring out what has been going on with her.

Kat stood in the doorway of Tara's hospital room, watching her boyfriend. She couldn't help but feel a little jealous at the way he looked at Tara. Clearing her throat softly, she decided she'd had enough and made herself known. "Miss Raine is on her way. We can go back to the house once she gets here."

Christian tore his eyes away from Tara and focused them on Kat. "I don't think she should be alone."

"She won't be alone," Kat snapped, her jealousy reeling. She sighed. "You need to rest. We all had a rough night."

She was right. Christian reminded himself that Kat is his girlfriend and not Tara. Kat should be his concern not Tara. "Okay."

Miss Raine arrived shortly after their conversation. She ordered them back to campus in a Taxi and made them promise not to share the information about Tara with no one. Both teenagers nodded, although it was an unspoken truth that they would tell the people in their close knit circle. Kat and Christian rode the cab back in silence. Kat would steal glances of him every now and again until they reached the house. Sammy and the others (minus Ollie) were huddled up in the living room.

"How is she?" Sammy asked right away. His face looked of pure concern.

"I texted him," Kat explained when Christian gave her a puzzled look. He hadn't expected them to know so soon. "She was still unconscious when we left."

Sammy sighed, running a hand down his face. "I knew something wasn't right with her. I never thought it would get to this point though."

"She didn't tell anyone," Kat offered sadly. Despite her jealousy towards Christian's need to protect Tara, she still cared unconditionally for her best friend. And knowing that Tara had been willing to hurt herself over something she'd been dealing with made Kat's heart hurt. "We should have pushed harder for her to explain."

"I've had enough of this," Abigail scoffed, standing from the couch. "It's always the Tara Show around here. We've all been through some crap but the moment it happens to Tara, everyone acts like the world is ending."

"Abigail," Sammy started to say, but the dancer cut him off.

"Spare me the lecture, Sammy," Abigail snapped; holding her hand up to stop anything he had to say.

"She tried to kill herself!" Christian snapped. The loudness of his voice vibrated against the walls of the living room. Saying it aloud made it feel all the more real but it needed to be said.

"Yeah, and who's fault could that have been," Grace said smoothly.

"Excuse me?" Christian turned to her. This was the first time he'd addressed Grace personally in a long time.

"You heard me," Grace countered, not backing down. "Last time I checked you were the one that broke Tara's heart when all she did was try and help you. You're so stuck on being a loser that you couldn't see straight."

"Grace, that is enough," Sammy said, trying to step in between the two.

"No, Sammy, he needs to hear this." Grace stood from her spot perched on the pool table. She stepped closer to Christian. "This all started when you and _Katrina_ here decided to see each other behind Tara's back. You weren't there to watch her cry and practically loose her mind over you. I personally don't see what the appeal is."

Grace stormed out of the room after her outburst, not giving Christian a chance to respond; not that he had one anyway. Christian knew her words were true. No one needed to spell them out for him. He'd left Tara all because she wanted to help him. He was scared when she pushed him to find his dad, to be better than he is. He hated because he didn't want to grow up. He knew that if he went out into the world, then there was a chance of failure, and he didn't want that. Tara didn't care about failing. She'd go out there and give it her all without even thinking of the possibility of it all going south. He envied her because of that, which is ultimately why he had to let her go despite his heart telling him not to do so.

"You can't be held responsible for something Tara did," Sammy said later on that night between the silence in their room.

After what Grace said, Christian went up to him and Sammy's room to be alone. Sammy came in hours later for bed, but neither of them could sleep. They simply laid there with the silence between them until Sammy broke it.

"I drove her to it," Christian commented softly.

Sammy sighed. "No you didn't. Something happened to Tara that night we all went out last month, I know it. Ever since then she hadn't been the same. This has nothing to do with you, Chris."

"But you didn't see her up there," Christian countered. "When I called her name, it was like she'd rather be anywhere else than around me."

"That doesn't mean you were the reason behind it. Tara has been running metaphorically from us for weeks," Sammy explained, "I guess tonight she just wanted to finally stop running."

"She kissed Ben tonight," Christian said to no one in particular.

"She's not your girlfriend," Sammy said. "Go to sleep."


	6. Chapter Six

**A/N: **_Wow! My muse seems to really like this story. Thank you all so much for the love you are showing this story. The reviews mean a lot to me and inspire me to write more so please keep them coming. Someone asked about the dynamic of the relationships. This is a Tara/Christian story. However, there is some Ben/Tara because I ship them, too. _

_I'm thinking about starting a new Christian/Tara theme with a more mature aspect. If you all are interested in reading it then let me know._

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**Chapter Six**

She's dying.

Or at least that is what it felt like as the water rushed down her throat, chocking and yanking on her esophagus like a nose. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think. She could feel her life slipping away with each passing second. She didn't want to die. She just wanted it all to stop. She wanted to get away from the hurt the pulled at her heartstrings every time she saw Christian and Kat cuddled together in the halls. She wanted to get away from the pressures of being the best that haunted her throughout every class she took.

But most importantly, she wanted to get away from _him_. Visions of his face haunted her memory. The feel of his hands grasping and pulling at her clothes. The feeling of his body pressed against hers. It made her sick, disgusted with herself. She'd sit in the shower with the water blazing hot, scrubbing at her skin until it bleeds. This life she lived wasn't healthy but it was the only thing she could do.

"Tara?" Ben stood in the doorway of the hospital room. The soft light from the sun danced against the pale white walls. "May I come in?"

She nodded silently. Tara watched him as he crossed the room, and sat down in the chair next to the bed. He looked down at his hands, avoiding everywhere but her gaze. She didn't blame him. The last time they'd seen one another it hadn't ended so well for them, well, one of them at least.

"How are you feeling?" he asked finally. When she didn't speak, Ben hung his head. "Tara, I'm sorry for what happened between us. If you did this because of me, then I am so sorry."

Tara laughed. She didn't know what happened or what caused it but all of a sudden she began to laugh hysterically. Ben looked startled for a moment before he softly joined in. Ben couldn't be sweeter, Tara thought to herself. The kiss between them didn't even make the five on the list of things she was dealing with. Once she calmed down, Tara gazed at Ben, their eyes connected.

"It's not your fault," she told him softly. Tears filled her soft brown eyes. "It's all my fault and I can't take it back."

"Hey, hey," Ben soothed, wrapping his arm around her shaking shoulder. "It's going to be okay, Tara. You have to tell someone what's going on with you."

"I can't take it back, Ben," she sobbed, tears skating down the slopes of her cheeks. "Every time I close my eyes, I see him."

"See who, Tara?" Ben pressed softly. He didn't want to scare her out of telling him the truth. Ben watched as fear sketched her soft face. "Who, Tara? You can tell me."

"That's the thing," Tara hiccupped, "I don't even remember his name. I woke up the next morning and didn't know where I was."

"Tara, don't tell me," Ben started to say, but the words caught in his throat.

"I can't take it back," she sobbed, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

Ben held her tight, wrapping his strong arms around her small frame protectively. He'd seen the change in Tara, knew something deeper than Christian and Kat hooking up was the thing that haunted her the most. However, like the most of Tara's friends, he remained about his own business, turning a blind eye to Tara's dismissive and closed off attitude. Ben scolded himself for not being there for Tara. They weren't the best for friends, but she needed someone and maybe if he paid closer attention then he could have been that person from the start. Ben knew one thing; he wasn't ever going to let Tara feel as though she were alone.

Ben held her until she fell asleep. His body was so tired from hurting alongside Tara, that he decided to crash on the small couch in the corner of them room. At some point, Miss Raine showed up and suggested he go home. Ben didn't want to leave Tara but he knew there was no way of convincing Miss Raine he should stay without telling her Tara's secret.

Sammy and the others came by while Tara slept. She awoke briefly for Sammy's visit but ended up falling asleep again. Grace stayed for a couple hours and painted Tara's finger and toe nails while she slept. She wanted her friend to have something pretty to look at when she woke up. Kat stopped by without Christian and put up flowers and placed a picture of her, Tara, and Sammy next to the bed. Abigail visited briefly but didn't stay long seeing as how she needed to get back to practicing. Her ballet career did not stop on account of Tara was going through something.

Christian showed up just as the sun began to descend behind the trees. Tara was finally awake, trying her best to scarf down the hospital food she really didn't have the energy to eat. He stood in the doorway of her room, watching as she picked at the food on her tray. Her button nose wrinkled with distain at the food. Christian smiled at the cute way she stuck out her tongue in protest of the food. He stood there for what seemed like hours just watching her until she caught sight of him out the corner of her eye. When their eyes locked, Christian felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. Even during the mist of hurt, she managed to look beautiful.

"Hi," he spoke smoothly. "I didn't want to disturb you."

"It's fine," she said softly. "You can come in."

Christian smiled, crossing the room and sitting in the chair beside the bed. "How are you?"

"Okay, I guess," she said awkwardly. Tara picked at the food on her plate in order to avoid looking at Christian. She sighed before she looked over at him. "Thank you for pulling me out of the water."

"Tara, I am so sorry," Christian rushed out. His soft brown eyes shined sincerely. His beautiful face crumpled with regret. "I never meant to hurt you but I did, and I know I can't take it back but I want you to know that I'm sorry."

"Christian," Tara tried to stop him, to stop this conversation. She didn't want to hear this, not right now. Christian apologizing opened a whole new can of worms that she didn't want to deal with. Tara had hoped that Ben would still be around when she woke up, but when she found him gone, her heart tugged a little.

"No, Tara, I need to say this," he pressed. Christian knew that if he didn't say these words then he would regret them forever. "What I did was unforgivable and I just hope that maybe we could be friends."

His beautiful face was so sincere, so genuine. At one point, she would have given anything for Christian to say those words to her. She would have given anything for him to look at her with those soft brown eyes that she'd honestly loved since the moment they connected with hers. She would have given anything for that, but at the moment she wasn't so sure about that. He'd caused her so much hurt and anguish that it seemed unreasonable to move backwards with him. But he was just asking for a friendship, not a relationship.

"Hey, T, Miss Raine cleared it with the nurses and I can stay the night with you," Ben smiled wide as he came rushing through the door, stopping Tara from having to make any kind of decision about Christian. It took him a while to realize what was going on, the thick tension coating the room. "Hey, C-Man, what's going on?"

Christian stared at the boy in front of him before turning his gaze to Tara and back to Ben. He stood, rubbing his palms on the leg of his jeans. "I, uh, was just leaving."

He gazed one more time at Tara, before he awkwardly walked past Ben, whom immediately took the spot beside Tara. Christian gave one last look over his shoulder at the pair. Ben was showing Tara something he'd taken out of his bag with a smile. Christian stared at the pair, the two of them seeming to mold together as one. He and Tara used to be that way once upon a time but now she had Ben, and he hated it. Christian had watched them earlier when he'd come to visit Tara, and felt like someone had punched him the stomach. He'd stood there hours earlier watching as Ben held her as she cried, the way she molded and relied on him. Christian wanted to be that person for her again. He hated himself for giving that up, for giving her up.


	7. Chapter Seven

**A/N: **_Hey, everyone! I finished the chapter a little early so I figured I would post it since you all seem to really be enjoying the story. So this is my back-to-back update. The next chapter might take a while because I plan on working on another one of my fics. Also, check out my new Tara/Christian fic called Rhythm Of Life. You can find it on my profile.**  
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**Chapter Seven**

For the two weeks, Tara slowly found herself starting to heel, with help from Ben of course. For a fleeting second, he allowed her to forget about her problems. He allowed her to be silly and crazy when needed, and Tara loved that he somehow managed to bring that side out of her amongst the darkness she'd been living in. The nightmares still pledged her nightly slumber, but Ben was always there when she snuck down the stairs to his room. He quietly drags her into the kitchen and fixes them both a cup of warm coco before settling in on the couch with a late night movie. Ben would stay up with her during those nights she couldn't sleep, he never did complain. Tara couldn't be more thankful of Ben. On the nights when things got really rough, he'd simply hold her until the tears subsided. Being with Ben felt safe and warm, and she liked it. She liked being with Ben.

"You are never going to guess what I scored at the video store," Ben gushed excitedly as he came running up to Tara during class. She stood at the bar with the others warming up.

Tara smiled softly at his enthusiasm. "What?"

He pulled a DVD from his duffle bag. On the cover was a scary looking Gingerbread man. "It's the Ginger Dead Man."

Grace laughed from her spot at the bar across from Tara. "Wow, Ben, you have managed to reach a whole new category of weird."

Ben ignored her, and focused his attention on Tara. "What do you say?"

"I'm in," she smiled brightly at him.

Sammy didn't miss the way Tara managed to smile like she used to whenever Ben came around. When in the company of him and the others she seemed like an emotionless robot. However, when Ben came on the scene she snapped back to life, all animated and Tara-like. He was slightly jealous and relived at the same time.

"How about I bring the popcorn and we make a night out of it," Sammy suggested hopefully. He'd really like to hang with Tara outside of a forced environment. Since she came from the hospital, Tara spent most of her time attached to Ben. While Sammy is happy that she seemed like herself at least around someone, he couldn't help but feel a little upset that the person wasn't him.

"Actually, Libmister, it's kind of a 'me and Tara' thing," Ben explained with a shrug.

Sammy tried his best not to look hurt. "Oh, that's cool."

"Is someone having a little date night?" Grace cooed with a smile. She purposely looked at Christian when she said, "So that is where you sneak off to at night. You and Ben cuddle on the couch with movies and a little kissing."

"Grace," Tara scolded, a blush rising up her cheeks.

Christian watched the exchange and felt sick to his stomach. The thought of Ben and Tara together made him want to scream. He'd noticed the way Tara clung to Ben and he didn't like it one bit. There just had to be some kind of way Ben was using Tara's weak-state to weasel his way into a relationship with her.

"Ben really isn't Tara's type," Christian added, earning him a few looks from the others.

Abigail laughed, switching her position at the bar. "Could you be anymore obvious."

"Green eyes don't look good on, Christian," Grace commented lightly with a sly smile.

"All right everyone, get in position," the instructor said as she came into the classroom. Christian was thankful that he and Tara were partners.

He smiled at her as they took their position. "So, are you and Ben like dating or something," he tried to ask impassively.

Tara placed her hand in his, getting her leg in the right position. "Ben and I are friends, not that it is any of your business."

"I'm just looking out for you," Christian explained, placing his hand on her waist. "I just want to make sure he isn't taking advantage of you."

"I don't need your concern," she insisted.

He placed his other hand on her waist, lifting her into the air. The feeling of his hands on her felt different than it had when they were dating. There was something about the closeness of his body that didn't feel right. She'd danced with Christian numerous times in the past, but something about this time didn't feel right. It was when his hand accidentally brushed the underside of her chest that she flashback to that night.

She saw him clear a day now, his face hovering over hers as he leaned into kiss her lips. His hands trailing up her thigh, higher and higher. With each touch of his hand, Tara felt like her entire body caught fire. Tara went stiff in Christian's arms. In her mind, she was no longer at the academy. She is miles away at the apartment she'd woken up in without her virginity. She is scared and alone and the feeling of Christian's hands on her felt like the hands of the one she couldn't remember.

"Ah!" Tara screamed, scaring the entire class, including Christian. She jumped away from him like he had the power to turn her into ashes. "Get off of me."

"Tara," Ben rushed to her, grasping her shoulders tight so that she is forced to look at him. "It's okay. No one can hurt you. You're safe."

"I can't take it back."

"You don't have to take it back," Ben promised her softly. "You just have to move past it."

"No," Tara screamed, pushing Ben away.

She ran for the exit, putting as much distance between them as she could. Tara headed to the girl's changing room and ran straight for the showers. She turned the water as hot as it could go and jumped in. The water felt like fire against her skin but she didn't care. She scrubbed at her skin, its color becoming red and raw from the heat. She didn't care. The pain felt good, like she was washing him away from her body for good. She felt dirty and disgusting. Knowing that someone she didn't love touched her in the most intimate of way made Tara sick. And she hated herself for allowing it to happen. She hated how weak and spineless this guy made her.

She wanted him out of her head. She wanted all of this to stop. Tara just wanted to go back to the way things were before all of this happened. She wanted to be that girl that was carefree and loved being with her friends. She missed that girl because all though she had problems, she had her friends to help her deal with them. This girl she is right now had no one. She is pathetic afraid, and Tara hated that. She hated herself.

She didn't mean to do it, never wanted to really hurt herself, but the shining hair clip caught in the drain of the shower caught her eye. She picked it up and placed it against her pale skin. When the pin sliced into her skin, she hated the pain, but the sense of clam it gave her felt amazing. She felt as if she were floating on air, and nothing could bring her down. She loved this feeling.

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_I just want to remind everyone that this is Hurt/Comfort. So Tara's road to recovery will not come easy._


	8. Chapter Eight

**A/N: **_Happy New Year! I am so sorry for the lack of update, but when I was at home I lost internet service, and now I am back in school because it's the first week of the semester and if you attend University then you'll understand. I'm not totally happy with this chapter. This is the third time I have rewritten it and I only cringed three times when I read it. I will try to update Rhythm of Life soon as well. I am in the middle of writing that chapter so hopefully it will be up soon._

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**CHAPTER EIGHT | THREE WEEKS LATER**

Everyone knew. It's obvious the moment she steps out the back of the cab. She feels their eyes flickering before trying, and failing, to appear as if they weren't gawking at her like a circus act. Tara nearly laughs at herself because she kind of is in their eyes. If this were happening to anyone besides her she would be acting just as they are. Three weeks ago, she would have ran and done something incredibly reckless to herself because of their stares. However, now she couldn't bring herself to muster up a simple eye roll. That's what being away has done to her. It's numbed every natural feeling in her body and suppressed them with emotions her doctor deemed as chemically correct. She doesn't feel a thing. She doesn't feel the warm afternoon Sydney air pressed against her exposed areas or even the cotton blend of her paisley shirt. Nope, she doesn't feel a thing.

"Tara!" Sammy's warm smiling face barrels towards her with open arms. He wraps her up in them and squeezes tight. She doesn't feel it. "Oh, T, I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too, Sammy." It isn't a lie. She has missed him, or at least she thinks. She doesn't remember what missing someone feels like anymore. They've taken that away, too.

He carries both her suitcases up to the house, and insists on taking them upstairs to her room because that's what best friends do and her flight must have been tiring. As he's speeding through what's been going on in her absence, half-listening, Tara stares out the window behind him. The blinds are open like they always are because Grace never closes them. She likes to shimmy around in her underwear to One Direction on an endless loop. Saliva fogged the window every time as boys came from down stairs to sneak a peek at Grace. She'd simply wink before Tara would be the one to roughly close the blinds while scolding Grace on the kind of message she's sending.

If Tara could compel herself to care she'd stress over the kind of message she sent the night her world changed forever. She'll worry about the message she sent afterwards when she locked herself up, sliding deeper into the dark abyss. But the more she tries, the less she cares. Her doctors, parents, and Miss Raine would be happy to know the medicine is doing its job.

"I convinced Miss Raine to let me skip pa de deux because we're short on girls," Sammy said when Tara snapped back to reality. His smile was warm and comforting. "But that will change because you're back now."

"I'm back now," Tara whispered softly, focusing on Grace's shirt balled in the corner.

"Come on; let's go get something to eat." Sammy wraps his arms around Tara's shoulder as she stands, pulling her into his side. He's missed his friend, the old Tara, that laughed, obsessed over crushes, and spend hours practicing ballet. She's not the same girl she used to be, she hasn't been since she and Christian broke up. He wants his friend back, but knowing what he knows now about the night everything changed for Tara, Sammy knows it's going to take a while before she returns to the girl she used to be. He doesn't want to pressure her about the treatment center Miss Raine convinced her parents to admit her to, but he wants to know how she feels after being there. He wants to know if she's okay. Before she left, Ben ended up being her Saving Grace, and call him selfish but Sammy wants to be that for her now.

"What was it like?" Sammy asked, squinting against the rays of the sun.

Tara shoveled around her untouched salad, "Refreshing. I feel a lot better."

"T, you know you could've told me what happened to you." He tries to keep away the hurt from his voice as he says it. This isn't about him. It's about making sure his best friend is okay. "I would have been there for you."

She really doesn't want to get into this with him right now. "I know, Sammy, I wasn't thinking at the time. I was just so messed up from it all."

"I know, I know," he nods his understanding. "I'm here for you if you need me."

She doesn't make a verbal commitment to him. Even if she wanted to, she doesn't get the chance because a blur of blonde tackles her from the side, knocking the wind from her lungs. For a moment she thinks it's Grace, but the water fall of fluffy tendrils gives away the culprit.

Tears brim her soft blue eyes as she pulls away, apologizing profusely for nearly knocking Tara out of her seat. "I am so sorry, T. I missed you so much. How are you? Do you feel better? Why didn't you tell me?"

Seeing the tears fall freely down her face should stir some kind of emotion within Tara, but she medicine prevents it. Conquering up tears is out of the question especially when she can't even feel a simple loving hug from her parents and best friends.

"Kat, give her some room please," Sammy steps in. He's irritated, Tara can tell, because he's no longer the only one she has the chance to confide in.

Kat pulls out the seat between Tara and Sammy. It's then Tara notices the others. Abigail nods hello before heading to the kiosk for a salad. Grace hugs Tara from behind and kisses her cheek and whispers, welcome back, in her ear before sitting next to her. Ben smiles at her with shining eyes before he sits down near Sammy. The rest of lunch is spent with chatter, mostly from Kat and Sammy, giving Tara the low down on all the things she's missed since being away. Apparently, Sammy and Ollie moved things forward only for them to be shut down because according to Sammy, Ollie wasn't the person he thought he was. Kat chimed in by saying that Ollie didn't deserve Sammy because all he did was put him down. Tara offers what she remembers is the appropriate response, but something about it makes her feel like a robot.

When they get back to the house, Kat's makes a dozen batches of cupcakes and Sammy offers up DVDs he thoughts they could watch during Tara's first weekend back. Grace rolls her eyes and whispers to Tara how lame the idea is but doesn't suggest going anywhere else. Being surrounded by all of her friends should appease Tara but it doesn't. She's not sure if it's the medication or her. Sometime during the second movie, Tara slips away to change into comfortable clothes, or at least that's what she settled Sammy with when he asked if she were alright. He sounded like a song on repeat.

Instead of going upstairs, she slipped out the back door through the kitchen. She walked down the sidewalk, arms wrapped tightly around her body as the night surrounded her. Tara isn't sure where she's going, but it feels good to be alone. She felt crowded at the treatment center and being in a room surrounded by her friends' worry was worst. She needed a moment to herself where she could think.

She spots him before he sees her. When they dated, she loved to watch him skateboard. The way his body controlled the rolling piece of wood underneath his feet was magical. He brings the board to a stop a few feet in front of her. Christian kicked up the board before he caught it with one hand. Tara isn't sure how long she stood there watching him. When their eyes connected, her breath caught slightly in her throat.

"Hey," he said, walking toward her. He's dressed in all black, hood perched atop his head.

"Hi." She doesn't remember what loving him feels like, but based on her body's reaction to seeing him, Tara knows she once did love him.

"How are you?"

She shrugged. "I'm fine."

His brown eyes scanned hers before a sad smile graced his lips. "No you're not. You're not _that_ hard to figure out, Tara," he said before walking away.


	9. Chapter Nine

**A/N: **_Thank you so much for the reviews!I wrote out the outline for the remaining chapters and there will only be three more. And to the anon that said they didn't like the show and wanted it to get cancelled: How am I supposed to respond to that? If you don't like the show then why read fan fiction? Doesn't make much sense to me._**  
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* * *

**CHAPTER NINE**

Tara remembers the last time she sat in this office. Almost a month ago, she sat in between her parents with her mother softly crying and her father blaming the academy for her problems. It seems like a long time ago, when in reality it wasn't. Miss Raine sits in front of her, wearing her usual poker face. Her mouth is moving, but Tara isn't listening. Instead, she's focusing on the line of photo frames behind the woman's head. The frames are filled with pictures of Miss Raine as a young girl, principle dancers from the academy, as well as some of the greatest dancers in history. Tara's never really noticed before, and she finds it odd Miss Raine doesn't have any pictures of her own family members.

"Tara," Miss Rain says forcefully, prompting Tara to focus. Her eyes narrow at the lack of respect she is being show. "Did you hear what I said?"

Tara shook her head. After the words leave Miss Raine's mouth, Tara knows she should have listening from the beginning. The older woman's words are like a dagger sliding into her heart slowly before being twisted counter-clockwise.

"The academy thinks it would be best if you don't participate in the Prix de Fonteyn," Miss Raine explained evenly as if she were talking to a small child.

The medicine has prevented her from feeling most things, however, the knowledge that she wouldn't be able to compete in the Prix is slowly eating away at her from the inside. She doesn't want to cause a scene, doesn't want to get upset because the last time she gave into her emotions, she ended up falling deeper into a place she couldn't get out of alone. Instead of giving in, she forced them down, burying them deep down in the dark place of her mind.

"Because of what happened to you, the academy doesn't think performing will be in your best interest." Miss Raine has no idea how much those words are killing Tara. "There is no way you would have been able to choose a solo and perfected it by the Prix anyway."

Miss Raine counties to talk, but once again, Tara isn't listening. For as long as she can remember, Tara has dreamed of competing in the Prix de Fonteyn. And here she sat in front of Miss Raine's whose moving lips are slowly killing her childhood dream. Tara wants to be mad at the academy and Miss Raine, she really does, but she knows deep down this isn't there fault. They aren't the ones that caused any of this; she did. Tara couldn't help from thinking that if she'd just confided in her friends a lot sooner, they could've helped her deal with her problems. Maybe she wouldn't have needed to go to the treatment center and completely loose her mind.

* * *

"They can't do this!" Sammy shouts angrily. He and the others (Kat, Grace, Abigail, Christian, and Ben) are rallied around her in the living room.

"Yes, they can," Abigail pipes in from her seat in the lazy boy. She's painting her nails and not really caring about what is going on with Tara. "The way I see it, Tara is one less person in my way of winning the Prix, not that I thought she had a chance in the first place."

"Really, Abigail," Ben snapped. "Tara is getting her dreams crushed and all you can think about is yourself."

"Someone has to," she snapped as she stood. She knocked over the bottle of nail polish in her wake, but not really caring when it stained the carpet. "Maybe you all should start thinking about yourselves instead of Tara all the time."

"Abigail is right," Tara interjected.

"No she's not," Sammy jumped in. "We're your friends. It's our job to worry about you."

"I know, but this isn't your battle to fight. You need to focus on the Prix and winning," Tara encouraged, although the words felt like acid as they left her mouth. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. And Miss Raine is right; I never would've prepared a solo in time."

"T, are you sure about this?" Kat asks searching her friend's eyes. Tara hasn't really spoken to Kat since she's been back. They haven't had the standard heart-to-heart where everything was put out on the line mostly because Tara's been avoiding it. However, she does somewhat consider Kat her friend again.

Their friendship isn't the way it used to be, but Tara's trying to learn to let things go the way they taught her to do in treatment center. She used to honestly hate Kat because all of this happened. She used to hate looking at her because she represented the one thing she could never be: the person Christian wanted. She doesn't hate Kat or even Christian anymore. She just doesn't feel anything toward them anymore. Tara figured somewhere along the line she stopped caring.

"I'm sure," Tara lied.

She glances around the room to make sure everyone is buying her lies, and so far they seem to be. However, when her eyes land on Christian she has to look away quickly. He can tell she's lying, and she hates him for holding that kind of power over her. When she looks away, she can still feel his eyes on her, seeping into her mind and reading every thought she's ever had.

That is the thing about Christian. When they were together he could tell when things weren't okay with her. He could look into her eyes, read her body language, and listen to the sound of her voice and just know. She used to like that about him, think it was sweet how well he knew her. However, now she no longer finds it "cute." He doesn't have the right to know her so well, especially after what he's done.

* * *

She's getting ready for bed, when someone knocks on the door. Tara smiles softly when she looks up and sees Ben standing at the threshold. He takes her smile as an open invitation to come in. They haven't really got the chance to talk to each other since she got back two days ago. Tara can honestly say Ben is the only person she remembers what it feels like to miss. Before she left for the treatment center, Ben had been her saving grace. However, there is a small part of Ben that feels like he failed Tara. He should have helped her better, and maybe she wouldn't have gone away.

"Look, Tara, I know you said downstairs you were okay with not being in the Prix, but I don't think you are," Ben said evenly. He didn't know how much Tara could handle and the last thing he wanted was to set her off.

"Ben, I am fine, trust me," she tries to convince him. She knows Ben is only asking because he cares, and she's thankful to him for that. But if she gives into the hurt she feels, Tara knows it will set her back and she's come too far to go backwards.

"But you'd tell me, right?" His eyes are soft and genuine. "If you feel overwhelmed, you'll tell me?"

Tara smiles, "You'll be the first to know." It's the first time she's told the truth in a long time.


End file.
